This isn't going to be some motivational speech. This is the cold, hard truth. A reality check from yours truly - who can only speak to it because I once felt too overwhelmed to move forward and wallowed around a bit in the self-pity pit, too.  

You are not a victim, and neither was I. I'm speaking to the emotional positions we put ourselves in as adults. Lately it seems so many people have strapped on the proverbial burlap sack and are wailing in the streets for the so-called emotional tragedies that ail them. This mindset creates a sense that there is no personal control, not to mention manifests absolutely no change in the "victim's" life.

I've heard people say so many things about others in a blame-filled way. My ex used to do so and so, and so now that is why I behave in this or that way to people in new romantic relationships. I've heard people say that some friend of theirs stabbed them in the back, and they are forever wounded in friendships and it's all the ex-friend's fault. This mindset is of great detriment, and something I learned does absolutely nothing for the individual donning the scratchy, self-imposed burlap sack. It makes growth impossible. We need to own our shiz, y'all.

The point of this life is to grow and become better and more capable humans, right? How can we grow if we are pointing fingers and blaming everyone else for the positions we find ourselves in? Everyone I know has dated a jerk. Including me. And guess what? We chose that jerk. That jerk more than likely told us who they were in the first 30 minutes of conversation. But our starry, hope-filled eyes blinded us and we chose him or her anyway. Same goes with friendships. We probably saw that friend treating others like crap before they came around to treating us the same way. I'm guilty of this too, keeping people close whom I've seen treating others poorly. We need to buck up. We can handle the truth! 

We must take responsibility for choosing these people and letting them close to our hearts. We are not victims of others' ill-treatment. We placed ourselves in positions where they could hurt us, and oftentimes, knowingly so. I'm not saying we DESERVED it. Or that it was okay because of this fact. I'm saying it was predictable if we really take a deeper look.

I know for me - looking back at the people in my life who have caused me great pain - I could have seen it coming if I wasn't ignoring signs and making decisions out of my own insecurities, fears, and mental blocks. I own that. I am not a victim, and I take full responsibility for allowing these people to penetrate my inner circle. I can handle a lot, now that I understand this. I can see people who are unkind by nature, and take steps to eradicate them before they get too close to my heart.

A little tough love here. Being treated poorly is not an excuse to treat others poorly. Responsible adults do not refuse to have control of their emotions. Just because we feel something doesn't mean the people around us should too. We can move forward in strength and forgiveness, CHOOSING to learn from those lessons instead of repeating or perpetuating unhealthy patterns. Forgiveness gives the gift light-heartedness, and that leads to unspeakable joy.

Let's step up together, stop the bitching and moaning and choose better people. We can choose to work on letting go of these painful relationships. Stop trying to fix other broken adults, that isn't our job. We can, however, fix ourselves. And refuse to be one of those that lets the past dictate how we treat others and how we choose new relationships.

We can handle more than we think. We can release ourselves from the burden of victimhood. It is ok to take ourselves less seriously, we all make crappy choices sometimes. We can even laugh at our mistakes. No more wallowing. No more finger-pointing. It's time to sew the good seeds. Lord knows the world needs it.

All of us experience adversity. It's just a part of life. An unavoidable reality. Perhaps it seems like some suffer more than others. But comparing traumas and hardships is a fruitless exercise, because we are all measuring with our own unique yardstick. So what is the worst for me is equally as bad as the worst for someone else, because her frame of reference is based on her own experiences, not mine. So, how do we avoid the long-term wallow and reconstruct our suffering for good? 

I believe creativity is one of the very most effective ways we can convert the negative into positive. As my closest friends may know, I had a tumultuous relationship with my mother growing up. Of course I love her very much. She was a powerful woman. But tormented by her own past traumas, too. And some of her misguided actions inflicted a lot of pain on me growing up. She was not intentional, but the adversity was a real thing for me, nonetheless. No parent is perfect of course, but there comes a time when those of us who faced hardships with a parent must have a reckoning of sorts. We must go back and address the things, because hiding from them gives them the power to continually affect our present. Out of the darkest shadows of our hearts we are called home. And if bravely we go, those shadows can again be turned to light, as I often remind myself.
 
So that is just what I did. And not without help. I believe part of true friendship involves encouraging each other to face the things that hurt so we can heal. My dear friend Betsy saw my pain, and she kindly embarked on the journey to heal it with me. I began to write about my mother as a form of therapy. It started out as a letter I never intended to give her. Then some things I remembered as a child, specific events that triggered a pain response for me as a means to work through them and diminish their power. Then Betsy and I started talking more and writing about the good stuff too. There is always something to be grateful for and with my mother was hilarious. She had a lot of strengths I did not appreciate because I was blinded by my own bias. After we continued these kinds of exercises for a good while, there was a completed manuscript. It has changed over the years of editing, but there is no other way to get it out than to just start. 

In the writing of the story, in the facing of it and getting it out of my subconscious and onto a tangible page, I began to turn my anguish into acceptance and my anger into gratitude. A profound healing happens when we use the challenges we face as a well-spring of creativity instead of something to wallow in and feel sorry for ourselves over. Just the simple act of expressing it in some way converts negative into positive within us. 

I look back, now that my mother has passed, and I am incredibly grateful for her. Through the writing of my story and hers, I was able to completely accept her for who she was and appreciate all of her strengths instead of dwelling on her parental shortcomings. Before she passed we had a complete change in our relationship as a direct result of writing Murphy Road. She knew my love for her and came to understand her love for me was just as deep, I had just missed it for many years because it didn't look the same as mine. 

Bottom Line? Whatever it is you're facing -and we are all facing something- don't bottle it, get it onto a tangible plane. Convert it from internal to external. In the creating also lies the healing. Go forth and make the things. xo Fonya